I am ugly- I am beautiful
I am worthless- I have worth
I am sick- I will heal
I hate myself- I will learn to love myself
I am weak- I am strong, or I wouldn’t be here today
I am moody- I have profound emotional depth
I am lost- I will find myself
I am scared- I have courage
I am crazy- It is normal to struggle
I am in pain- It’s okay to hurt
I am tired- I will not give up
I’m not good enough- I am better than “good enough”
I can’t change- I can change
I’m filled with flaws and imperfection. I’ve come to terms with some while working on my denials with my demons. When confronted I don’t want to change, when coming face to face I feel tainted to fixing my walls. The beauty is that everyone deals with hardships. But the key word is not hardship but the ‘deals’. I handle differently from u. And this is who make me me. In those oppertunity where its not only looks but your reaction inner and outter. If your scared of crowds, are you going to be the person who stand in the outer ends, the one to make there way in the crowd to the front, the one who leaves, or the one who bother to not show up at all. So many difference all the same hardships. We are all in the same, that’s how we’ve manage to live together ‘for the most part’. I’m filled with all emotions towards myself highs and lows, and I carry those highs proudly for those many filled secs it lived, and shed my lows when they snook up behind…..
To My past friends (You guys know who you are) Thank you for the long talks on fairfax kitchen floors, for the many last min adventure we all endured and conquered and lived, for the endless laughter we shared and ongoing insiders. - I say thank you because though we are no longer friends, and may never be friends like we once was, we still happened, we still were, and we will always have those memories that when we do bumped into eachother down the road we can look back and say “Lehman days oh man”. My brain projects movie shots of everything I will never forget and one day share with Mialynn of my teenage wasteland years. I have grown so much since then…. Even after much time and bad separation, I still want whats best for yall.
Because I want to write more here. I am going to do (try/attempt) to write one good thing that happens to me on that day. Now I try try try to blog everyday but I do get caught up in my life. And though I would love to share everything and more on a personal level, I will admit I don’t and well that’s because I’ve become even more scared of jinxing my life. So from now on no more fear, POSITIVE THOUGHTS POSITIVE MEMORIES.
On that note today My happy memory was to wake up with the sun rays peeking in my window glowing on my daughters beautiful face along side the Man I love, My soulmate. Waking up being splashed by full blown love I swear is beyond words I cant explain it but its warm, filling, and makes you want to cry and laugh at the same time.
Heart of mine please understand
I know you wish to shed some tears
But We are now adults
and big girls dont cry
Let the world shatter you down
Let the men keep thinking your weak
Let them think your failing
Let them Let them Let them
Because Heart of mine
I know your strength
You are powerful
You are the force to be reckon
You walk among shadows
Yet illuminate more then the rest
So Im sorry Heart of mine
I dont want to cry
I dont want to linger on-
what cannot be changed
We keep walking foward
and if change never comes
My heart I know youll carry on
We will always carry on
people may never understand where the concept of his and my feelings come about. we may never discover that either. however, one thing still remains clear in both our eyes as they gaze into each other looking deeper. i love you and you love me. maybe understanding us isnt our task, maybe our task is to reckon with the common or non common traits, the completion of nothing but something better. that will of feeling and not thinking, the willing to let ur heart discover what it wants to without questioning it, denying its powers, or convert them to words. It is a feeling that is non expressible, only him and i can feel this non clarity, and obviously our hearts combined create something powerful and strong, or we wouldnt have overcome everything we’ve been through so far. even if it dosnt last forever, i know what we have now is real and as i look back i would tell my daughter stories about him, and how he build me up, broke me dwn, and build me back up again.
This is kinda of ironic because 1) i wrote this 4 years ago 2) I really have a daughter and its his daughter too and well I will be telling her how naughty her immature daddy once was 3) I still love him so unconditional that I will never understand nor want to because I love just feeling it good or bad. I love him, I love my daughter and I love the family we have.